i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
