hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
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Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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