I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
