Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
