Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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