Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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