he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
