This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
