The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
