God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
