I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
