Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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