I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
