i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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