Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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