How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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