I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
