My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
