seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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