i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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