I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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