Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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