it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
