you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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