I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
