Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You are the jesus of drinking
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
