I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
