this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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