hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So vagazzling was a success
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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