At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
