If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
