Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
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omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time