Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
did i walk over a car last night?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.