I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
