I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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