Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
