Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!