I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
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Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough