Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
