explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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