So drunk its hurt
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
