the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
