The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
