The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
