i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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