his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
