I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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