Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
