U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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