just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
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you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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