apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
