if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
