He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
