i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
