My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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