I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
