who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
