No awkward lesbian experiences without me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
